just readbestie's mail. TOUCHING. simply driving me to tears. ok. i feel bad now. and yeah, you know what? i will never return you your chanel bra and prada panties! ha! :D
im pretty sure i'll be alright. though i will never forget about the past, i'll try. memories are memories. it'll never fade, that day you screamed my name, that day you ran after me, that day i stood there tearing, that day i waved good bye.
they'll stay.
and i hope i can get over all soon.
with the intensive support of friends, especially the understanding of bestie, i will do it. :D
My name is Serene.
Friday, September 16, 2005 - 11:34 PM
I'M LATE.
i'm late. i'm late. i'm late late late. it doesnt seem alright. everything seems so wrong. my world keeps on spinning, and yet, i'm still stuck on the already forgotten. my life is in a mess, examinations that kill, all and all. it's too late. i'm late. i'm so late. so so so late.
yet, it still seems too early to start it all.
or rather, it still seems too early, for anything to happen.
sometimes, it simply sucks. and i'm talking about life. how silly can it be. when you're the one who gives advices to people. and yet, you cant even apply anything on yourself.
it's simply out there to kill you. kill you. kill me. and when i think about it, tears just keeps flowing. i dont know what to do. i dont mean to hurt anyone. im just so troubled.
days, weeks, months... and soon it would be a year. still im still searching, searching for my long lost soul. where's my happiness? gone? it couldnt be, no. where's my life, my all? why cant i be the same old serene, that nag and yell, cry and cry even more? yes, it's stupid. but i realized, that i am actually missing all the yellings, accusings and tears. i miss everything. the joy, the movies, the gyms. it's all gone. ripping me off.
i tried, i tried so hard. i moved on. but each time when i thought im ok, im not. but who will even understand? who will? what i need is time, time, time and time. but havent i had enough? its just an excuse that im giving myself. bullshit.
" I NEED TO MOVE ON. "
i dont want to see myself, all stained in tears and blood. me, all weak and dying. i want to be strong. strong, i have to. i must.
" BUT WHY CAN'T I DO IT? "
i hate myself. i really do. i have a life now. i have a bestie who loves me so. im glad, really really glad. i love my bestie. i really do. but, somehow, im still not use to it. that one place, it can never ever be replaced. a hole in my heart. pure pain, pure pressure. simply killing me from the inside.
" NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. "
no matter what happens, i wouldnt want to let this another bestie go. the pain inside, that hurts, that kills, i will battle it. i will. and i hope bestie, you'll not get angry. im sorry. you're not another replacement. you're magic. you aint the liquid to fill the holes in my heart, but you're indeed, someone special. you've a place in my heart. please understand.
I LATE, BUT NEVER TOO LATE. NEVER TOO LATE, JUST EARLY ENOUGH, TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.
i'm late. i'm late. that's why i've to catch up with the ever spinning world. THAT'S WHY I NEED TO MOVE ON.
when im finally out to face the world, THEN, I'LL FORGET IT ALL. THEN, I'LL LIVE ON.
when we finally grow up, WE WILL BE FRIENDS, AND WE'LL LAUGH AT ALL THE SILLY THINGS WE USED TO DO.
that's life, ain't it?
My name is Serene.
Thursday, September 08, 2005 - 11:12 AM
it's just a dream. it's just a dream! so can you just stop talking and go pondering all over just because of some dream?! you told me that it's all alright when i had my nightmare. now im telling you, IT'S OK. and stop being all so glumy cause of something like that. i know it hurts, but you dont have to give me the oh-i-so-scare-of-a-dream attitude right? im trying to talk to you! im sorry im away, but please, im trying to wake myself up! and trying to cheer you up! and please cheer me up too! im feeling all shitty cause i broken a promise!! ARGH.
My name is Serene.
- 12:32 AM
i see your face each time i close my eyes, is it just a dream? or is it just plainly obvious that i miss you too much? -my bunny.
azura's leaving tomorrow. i hate to see a friend like her go. i hope she'll be alright over there. that silly girl. you better take care. we'll all miss you. like totally! and i guess i'll be sending her later. hope that she'll like my little gift. it's gay. but still, hope you'll like it.
quarrelled a dozen times this week. but still, im pretty sure we can conquer this week together. just three more days! i guess it's cause of my damn mens. bad emotional control. im like swinging here and there. and im really sorry about it. oh wells, TOLERATE me! HAHA. you better. and dont you go all smiley when you're reading this! that's what friends are for huh! TOLERATE each other. (: oh man. im starting to love this.
olivia darling's all depress again. another silly girl. sometimes, i feel like im the only UNsilly one. HA. joking. anyway, poor oli. i love you okie? dont think too much. im always here for you. alrights?! gee. and i guess you wouldnt be reading my blog, so yea. GEESH.
tired tired tired! bestie's forcing me to sleep! ah. what a deal. geesh. oh wells. i know you love me. that's why! and please dont deny. and i know you wouldnt! :D i love.