the monkey on your back is the latest trend.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 9:06 PM

went out with you today. it was great, except for the part that im super broke.
read your blog. your past post. it kinda made me teared. once again, im feeling out of place again. i dont know what to say. i mean, your post for today seems nice. till the ending part, of cause. it's not like she's the only one who'll do things for you. do things that she doesnt like just to make you happy.
and just when i thought im happy again. im not. how i wish im back at the chalet. with all my friends there to support me and to make me laugh.
i dont know. im just so speechless.
ah.

2am and the rain is fallingHere we are at the crossroads once againYou're telling me you're so confusedYou can't make up your mindIs this meant to beYou're asking meBut only love can stayTry again or walk awayBut i believe for you and meThe sun will shine one daySo i just play my partPray you'll have a change of heartBut i can make you see it throughThat's something only love can doIn your arms as the dawn is breakingFace to face and a thousand miles apartI've tried my best to make you seeThere's hope beyond the painIf we give enoughIf we learn to trustBut only love can stayTry again or walk awayBut i believe for you and meThe sun will shine one daySo i just play my partPray you'll have a change of heartBut i can make you see it throughThat's something only love can doI know if I could find the wordsTo touch you deep insideYou'll give my dreams just one more chanceTo let this be our last goodbyeBut only love can stayTry again or walk awayBut i believe for you and meThe sun will shine one daySo i just play my partPray you'll have a change of heartBut i can make you see it throughThat's something only love can doThat's something only love can do

sometimes, i just dont have the courage to move on anymore.

My name is Serene.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 1:45 PM

alone.

i dread being alone. afraid to be. now im back at home and it's like im the only one here. the wind outside is pretty strong. i can hear it howling as it slips through the gaps of the window fame. it used to be scary. but not anymore.

jas and kyo kept asking me out to play basketball. i didnt know whether i should. aint in the mood anyway. cant run and all. but yet, i dont want to be alone. gee.

i dont know why. but it seems that im really eating alot lesser. pratically skipping every single meal. i drank much lesser too. the good thing is, i slimmed down. the bad thing is, well, i dont know. i really dont know. it seems that im refusing to eat. and my body agrees with it. i mean, hey, it's a good thing that im slimming down anyway.

staying home doing nothing is bad enough. staying home doing nothing and alone is like, freaking hell worst. i've like check all my hotmails, reply all the testi and now im blogging for the second time of the day. woke up early, might as well come back and blog. better than staying at grand's and watch MTV. MTV doesnt excites me anymore. and i realised, im getting pretty outdated since prelims. bummer.
guess i have to find other source of entertainment. but i hope all the wandering of my brain wouldnt lead me to the WRONG kind of entertainment. if you get what i mean. but still it seems like im heading towards the wrong thing already. it's silly. and stupid. but yet, im still doing it, soon.

was glad that you agreed upon to meet me today again. but i guess it didnt out that way. but oh wells. when im done with this post, i will be going back to grand's. im not even bothered to plan out what im going to do later. cause i know, i will be stoning anyway. ah. i hate being alone! oh god. gee. i can kill myself. but woo, lucky i still have miss lim to talk to me. or i will rot like mad. and will be dying due to the lack of blood! ha.
ha. gotta go.

My name is Serene.

- 9:45 AM

i believe you. but all the things you said somewhere esle is like so FAKE. or rather, so different from what you said to me in the face and on the phone.

dont go around calling people muse. i made it up. you once said that ken copied your msn nick. then hell, now you copied what i used to call you and use it on HER.

YOU SAID YOU WANT ME BACK. BUT AT THE SAME TIME YOU LIKED HER. YOU SAID YOU NEED PLENTY OF TIME. HELL LOTS OF THEM. YOU SAID YOU'RE THINKING, MAYBE YOU ARE I DONT KNOW, BUT IT DOESNT SEEM THAT WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YOU! DONT GET IT? FORGET IT. I DONT WANT YOU TO KNOW ANYWAY.

FIRST YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME. THEN YOU SAID LET'S BE BEST FRIENDS. THEN FLINGS. THEN FRIENDS. THEN BEST FRIEND PLUS FLING. THEN "I DONT KNOW".

YOU SAID YOU FEEL LOVE WHEN YOU LIE IN MY ARMS. YOU KISSED ME. HELD MY HANDS. YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME. YOU SAID THAT "WHEN I SAID I LOVE YOU, I MEAN IT". FINE, I TRUST YOU. YOU MEAN IT. YA, OF CAUSE YOU DO.
THEN SUDDENLY, BACK HOME, YOU SAID ANOTHER THING.
AND GUESS WHAT? NEXT DAY YOU'RE TELLING ME TO FORGET EVERYTHING. BIG TIME.

YOU DIDNT WANT ME TO TAKE OFF OUR RING. THEN AFTER AWHILE, YOU SAID "UP TO YOU". YOU DIDNT EVEN WEAR MINE.

I DONT WANT TO FORCE YOU. BUT NOW IM EQUALLY CONFUSED. BUT YET, I CANT ASK ANYTHING!

AND EVERYTHING HAVE TO HAPPEN IN ONE NIGHT.

AND ABOUT THE CHANGING PART. I DIDNT EVEN REALIZED I CHANGE TILL I BOUGHT THAT SWEATER. SO DONT ASK ME WHY. CAUSE ISNT IT LIKE FREAKING OBVIOUS?

OH BY THE WAY, IM NOT SCREAMING. IM JUST USING CAPS CAUSE IT LOOKS NICER THAT WAY.

if you really want me to forget everything that happened yesterday, it includes the "taking care" part. but do you think it's fair? afterall, you said what you said was true. all the truth. so why make it look like a lie?

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.
and one more thing, do you know why people are calling you a bitch? wake up. cause you are making yourself look cheap, look like one. dont wrong me, i never call you one, neither have i mention the word "bitch" in front of my friends. if you think having lots of flings to play with is like fun. GET A LIFE, you dont need them.

My name is Serene.

Monday, February 20, 2006 - 12:20 PM

i dont wanna think about you.

we cry but we are always there for one another.
we fought but we care for each other.

ted and tub are our kids.

it's magic how two different soul love.

our neos, a picture of love.
your jacket is the only thing i've when im cold.
your pe tee is my favourite pajamas.

you sway, you hurt.

when you say another loves you more than i do.
when you say your life is better off without me.
but yet i hear you cry at the other end of the phone.

when you say that i make you complete.
i see a post for another, with the same line on it.

i dont wanna talk about it.
i dont wanna feel it.

hearing you laugh, im glad. but yet, it doesnt seem right. listening to you cry, makes me tear. my heart beats faster, i cant sleep.

im sorry. i cant be perfect.
you're not perfect. neither am i.

you used to be my HERO. all the days i spend with you, precious. i would rather see myself dead in your arms. i would be your one.
but you've your hero. your new hero.

that's what you call her. a hero.
and she makes you cry too.

____

when you dont reply me. it hurts.
and i realized, that im being stupid by being such a good friend.
i left my phone on to the loudest volume everyday.
you've never call me.

STUPID me.
i will bite hard on my tongue. let it bleed. then die off.

it doesnt matter.

My name is Serene.

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 4:04 PM

i guess you really dont like me.
and no matter what i do.
it wouldnt work.
you dont know how much i put into loving you.
how much pain.

no matter how i tell you, i doubt you'll ever believe me.
for what i do, was real.
if you said it was pain, fuck it.
i feel it too.
dont make it sound like im the bad one.

valentine was a time for me to make a difference.
after all, i wanted to make sure you feel it.
that i am willing to make you happy.
and all you need was a simple touch of my fingers against your palm.
the holding of our hands.
i planned all out.
i wanted to.
but you didnt gave me the chance to.

you said being single is like freaking free.
i know.
glad you're happy.
but i guess it aint the same for me.
cause i totally hate to let go.
just like that.

you said that you wouldnt have sway if i were to hold your hands and be more tomboyish.
you sounded like you're blaming me.
my plans are too dumb i guess.
to hold your hands, to make it special on valentine.
to make a mark on that special day, when all the lovers in the world celebrate.
my intention was to make you remember VALENTINE DAY.
not make you leave me.

i took all the pain to work and starve, in order to save up to the amount.
i thought you would like roses and chocolates.
i took alot of effect.

you misunderstand me.
and you leave me cause you misunderstand me.
that's no right.

dont you feel anything when i tell you all these plans that im doing?
dont you want me back now that you know that it's all a misunderstanding?

a plan, to make you happy.
a misunderstanding, you assumed.
a breakup, you wanted.
and a SHIT of tears, i cried.

stop being so firm in that silly decision.
it was a mistake.
when you said you hate everything that we do, when we fight, i hate it too.
but it's how things goes.

i doubt you feel anything.

been looking for this song for quite some time now.
i thought you like it if i were to sing it to you.
sang it in tears when i copied it down, and now ive to type it all out.

i hope you'll remember.

________________

Think of me,
think of me fondly when we'ver said good-bye.
Remember me ev'ry so often,
promise me you'll try.

On that day,
that not so distant day,
when you are far away and free,
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me.

And though it's clear,
though it was always clear that this was never meant to be,
if you happen to remember,
stop and think of me.

Think of August when the trees were green;
dont think about the way things might have been.

Think of me,
think of me waking silent and resigned.
Imagine me,
trying too hard to put you from my mind.

Think of me please say you'll think of me whatever esle you choose to do.
There will never be a day when I wont think of you.

Can it be,
can it be A-?

Long ago,
it seems so long ago,
how young and innocent we were.

She may not remember me but i remember her.

Flowers fade,
the fruits of summer fade,
they have their seasons so do we...
but please promise me that sometimes you will think of me.

___________________

it's like freaking true in this song.
actually what im feeling.
it doesnt matter..
it doesnt.

My name is Serene.

Friday, February 17, 2006 - 9:20 PM

FAKE IT.

i dont get it. why am i faking it? telling myself that everyday would be fine. that every morning when i get up, that sick feeling in my heart, is nothing but a normal thing. i dont get it. been sleeping hell late every night, and waking early every morning.

and i dont get it.

why wouldn't i just get my ass off the bed, pick up my phone and message you. but instead, go back to sleep? guess im just lying to myself that i can take it. or rather, running away from the damn obvious truth.

the truth of how you want life between you and me to be.

i guess, you just dont love me anymore.

i kept keeping myself busy with outings and television shows. but none of them seems to be entertaining me as much as i want them to be.

tv shows, my favourite programme, are like totally boring. outings, i end up keeping quiet. as for today, i ended up being sick.

wrote a letter for you when i was in the library with christina. but i guess you wouldn't be able to read it anyway.

tried drawing. but i ended up drawing an "A".

i couldnt continue drawing afterwards.

so i just sat there, and stone.

stone stone stone, until christ finish her art piece.

went to causeway to shop. bought everything i see. so not me.

i guess im just fooling myself again.

but i never dare to tell you.

cause i know, you would never want to listen.

you might get mad.

told christ that "it's ok." and that i believe that "if you love someone, it doesnt matter whether you're with her physically or not. all you want is to make her happy."

and if just being friends make you happy...

I WILL REALLY GO.

would i?

i dont know.

easy for me to say. talk big la serene, do small.

when you insist to be just friends, and when you get mad. it hurts me. partially cause you reject me, partially cause i've failed to make you happy.

what should i do?

should i really go?

should i? should i?

My name is Serene.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 - 1:12 PM

im blooding hell confused.

should really thank you sis, for pasting it for me to see. if you didnt, i wouldnt know.
and i will left in the dark again.

havent been blogging for such a long time. now that im back, i see that there're some entries that you've posted. hurting. but true. i just dont get it. why have i did wrong?

i spared all my time for you. im always the one calling you, cause i miss you. sometimes, i do question myself why is it that you're refusing to be with me. like that day when you're going to cut your hair. i want to spend my time with you. but yet, you dont want to. i guess, maybe certain things are on your mind then. things that i dont know.

O levels. i squeezed all my time just to let you in. i put my books aways when you call. i rather talk to you than anything. wasnt i silly? totally dumb. STUPID. a fool. but it's not your fault. cause you're the one who encourages me to study. you even made a timetable for me. i appreciate it.

my studies, once pathetic and hopeless, improved. despite family's insults, you pushed me on.

a L1R5 score of 30+ is like totally hopeless. but because of your love. it carries me on. my grades made a huge jump that many couldnt believe. and when my O results came, it made me even more thankful. you're important.

now that i know what's going on. i feel so dumb to have spare all that time with you. i could have done better, just a little and i'll be in to where i wanna be. but i dont blame you, like i said, i never will.

you're the one that i've contributed to the most.
never have i want to make so much things for anyone. not even to my family memebers.
a simple note, a heart-shaped candle i craved myself. they dont seems to touch you. i guess what i made was never a heart lifter, but more of a chore.

we're always fighting cause of labels. im sorry i couldnt be a stable active. sometimes i simply feel that it aint me. i feel that im like restricted to what i wanna do. im a girl. not a guy. and no matter how manly i try to be. it wouldnt work. so i came up with a solution that we'll both compromise, going labelless.

i dont know how you feel, cause you never really tell me. but i can always feel that you dont really like it. but that day in achorpoint, i thought you're fine with it already. you assure me that you like seeing SERENE IN SKIRTS. you told me that it was good. you liked it. but why is it now that you're hating it? why is it that in the end, you tell me that you're faking it, and that you LOVE only bungs? why in the world do you lead me on. when you hate the feminie side of SERENE?

i dont understand. and the only thing was to ask. but it seems like it's annoying you. i admit that i asked too much. but it's like, if we could only talk it out nicely, talk it out face to face. you never give me that chance.

maybe being able to fling is really a big thing to you. but like i said, if you truely really am in love with someone. flings aint anything. you can easily overcome it.

then it was another surpise, you told me that you never really loved me before. it hit me hard. damn hard.

then another, you're crushing someone else. which you claimed that you've just met. and i stupidly believe. luckily, it was because of a friend, did i even found out. that you simply lie through me again.

too much of a lie.
too much.

you met her long before. you met her before.
you told me you never met her, you said it was just friendship.
you told me that you dont like her. you said she's ugly and all.

but that's not the case. the case is, why wouldnt you just tell me?!
you said you only know her weeks ago. it seems more like months.

if you're sick of me long ago. sick of all the games... why dont you just tell me.
what am i to you?

after my Os, i was already planning for a surpise. a VALENTINE surpise. something big. little did i know, when i was busy planning along, you're flirting with another. do you think it's fair for me ?!

you have months to be prepared. me? in the midst of choking myself with all the plannings, disappointment of my results, you drive me insane like firework crackers popping the heck out of me.

and all you could say was "sorry, i dont know what to say to you."
are you leaving without any reasons? so i took my chance to ask you. to see what the heck is going on.

throught out, i trusted you so much that i know that i wouldnt want to check up on you. till the day you kept smsing infront of me. smiling and all. you said it was jo. i believed.
but i guess.. it was more like someone esle.

do you know, that it's not that im lazy and refusing to read your blog. or to go over your friendster and give you a testi. i was trying my best to give you private space, like how you wanted me to give. DO YOU KNOW?!
i dont think you do, cause i never told you. why? cause if i did, you would feel guilty and all. i cared for you.

relationships start out sweet, but it's shaky. i remembered that day when you're crying, saying that we'll pull through this. we promised each other. what are those for when you said that you didnt really love me ?!

flings, what are they? do they really give you what i have given you? what i have gave you throughout this relationship?

flings... are they that important?

My name is Serene.